Are You Even Listening to Me?

A person with ADHD cannot regulate his/her attention on demand, which can cause serious communication issues in relationships. Sometimes, the partner of the person with ADHD understandably misinterprets his/her difficulties with transitioning or maintaining attention as thoughtlessness, disinterest, or callousness, which can contribute to feelings of resentment and frustration for both parties. Partners should resist the temptation to take these behaviors personally or mislabel them as character defects. Those with ADHD should work with their partners to clear up misunderstandings and create a safe space for talking honestly about ADHD struggles. A little understanding on both sides and some workarounds can go a long way in facing this common relationship challenge.

Here are some conversational workarounds to try:

Transitional Language:

Partners: Use language that allows for some attention transition time. Physical touch or eye contact can help with transition as well. This gives an ADHD brain some time to make an attention switch.

"Can I talk to you when you have a sec?"

"Can I tell you about my day?"

"You will not believe what happened to me today."

"[Name of partner], can I tell you something?"

ADHDers: Help your own brain transition into the conversation with transitional language or kindly explain that you cannot provide your undivided attention in that moment. Take time to explain how ADHD affects your conversational abilities and reassure your partner that he/she need not take it personally.

"I would like to hear all about it, but my brain is really stuck on this task right now. Can you give me a minute?"

"I am zoned in on something right now and I want to give you my attention. I just need a minute to readjust."

"You want to tell me about your day? Okay. I am ready."

Context:

Partners: Context can go a long way in helping your ADHD partner get on the same page with you. Providing a reasonable amount of context without being insulting may look like:

"Remember that book I was telling you about?"

"So, you know how school is canceled tomorrow?"

"Kara from work said..."

ADHDers: Ask for grace from your partner when it comes to you needing to ask questions, slow down the conversation, or get your bearings on the subject then be honest about when you are having trouble following the conversation. You may be used to pretending to know what is going on, but try to avoid this with your partner. Instead, you could say:

"I seem to have jumped into the middle of your story. Can you start over?"

"Can you back up a bit?"

"Wait, who did you say did that?"

"Can you say that last part one more time?"

"I got distracted for a second. So, you said that..."

Assumed Forgetfulness:

Partners: If you are tired of your partner forgetting everything, there are a few things you can try:

"I need this taken to the post office right now." (ADHDers do well with immediate deadlines).

"I texted you what I need from the store."

"Alexa, set a reminder for [partner] to pick up prescription at 3:00"

ADHDers: Be proactive when it comes to your forgetfulness. You think you will remember but you will NOT remember. Your partner does not want to have to remind you and should not have to. Try:

"Alexa, remind me to take out the trash in 15 min."

"Hold on. Let me write that down."

"I will write that on my whiteboard right now."

"Let me set a reminder on my phone."

Impulsive Speech:

Partners: Your ability to forgive verbal blunders will greatly help a person with ADHD. I am not talking about verbal abuse as that has no place in a relationship, ADHD or not. I am referring to how people with ADHD often say things without thinking. They are used to putting their foot in their mouth or ruminating over things they wish they hadn't said after social interactions. They are prone to oversharing, interrupting, or saying something for a laugh and regretting it later. Because they can lose focus in conversations, they can easily misread situations and say the "wrong" thing. When it comes to faux pas and regrettable slips of the tongue, you might help your ADHD partner by saying:

"What do you mean by that?"

"I think you may have missed the part where he said..."

"Can you clarify that?"

"That sounded like...."

ADHDers: Everyone makes social blunders from time to time. Practice forgiving yourself, apologizing when necessary, and moving on. You might say:

"I'm sorry, I thought you meant..."

"I did not communicate that well."

"I should not have said that. I am sorry."

"I got carried away there, and I apologize."

"I totally misread this situation."

"Let me try that again."

ADHD can contribute significantly to communication complications in relationships. For relationships to flourish when ADHD is involved, couples must make a concerted effort to cater to the specific needs of their partner and to communicate their own needs. Happy, healthy relationships are a reality for many people with ADHD who work with their partners to foster a spirit of love and understanding in their relationship.

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